A Valentime’s Special for All My Speshul Snowflakes

Yes, I spelled Valentine’s incorrectly.  I did it on purpose because I watched too much Teen Girl Squad in the mid 2000s.

Anyway!  It’s one of the few days a year where it’s considered socially acceptable to display shocking underwear in normal department stores instead of just Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood, and there are lots of sexy things everywhere.

Lingerie wouldn’t normally be something I’d comment on here, since I don’t care what you wear in the privacy of your own place.  I’m currently wearing an enormous blue bathrobe that N hates since it is 1) enormous and 2) frumpy. Bizarrely, I love it for the exact same reasons.  But I don’t wear it outside the comfort of the apartment.

But lingerie we put on display a bit for our significant others, to look and feel sexy.  But given some of the lingerie options that are out there? Harder than it sounds.

So what to buy?

First of all, take no advice from Vogue on this matter, as I went on their website and their advice was typically lunatic.  http://www.vogue.com/guides/the-valentines-day-lingerie-guide/

Everything is expensive, and most of it is ugly.  Take this for example:

I am perfectly willing to believe that looks sexy if you are the sort of person who looks good in orange and is okay with looking a bit mad.  The cap sleeves? The high collar? It’s like 30s schoolgirl meets that horrible orange dress Fergie wore at the Grammy’s.  But she had the relative common sense to wear underwear underneath it.  (She still loses, though.  Bad dress, with absolutely enormous knickers.)

Similarly, this does not scream sex appeal to me.  It doesn’t scream “Sporty” either.  Just weird and like the only chance it has of looking even a little attractive would be on someone with the figure of Keira Knightley.

You could go to Victoria’s Secret (as I usually do), but even that is fraught with peril.  Victoria’s seems to lately have this love affair with the vaguely apron shaped lingerie.  I’m going to take the obnoxious stance that it’s the patriarchy trying to tell women to get back in the kitchen, but more importantly, it’s incredibly unflattering on anyone who isn’t an Angel and sometimes not even then.  Take this hot mess for example:

So what DO you wear to impress your significant other?

My advice? Make a Venn diagram where the three circles are “What I Like” “What my S.O. likes” and “What Looks Good.”

So if you have giant boobs but love flimsy bras made entirely of lace and no support, don’t go there.

Similarly, if your significant other thinks you look ridiculously sexy in schoolgirl outfits, but you think the whole concept is more than a little bit creepy, that is also off the table.

So find what works for you, since we all have different tastes, sizes, shapes, etc.  And then get yourself a heaping bowl of self-confidence, because thinking you look hot is the first step to doing so.