Elizabeth Hurley’s Safety Pin Dress Is Now Standard Fare.

This makes me sad.  Once upon a time in the nineties, Elizabeth Hurley wore a Versace dress that kind of changed the face of the red carpet.  It’s been on every single best-dressed-of-all-time list I’ve ever seen, and while it is phenomenal, and–to use a phrase I despise–game-changing, it still is a look that shouldn’t be paraded around by everyone who thinks they’re even remotely hot/scandalous/the next Elizabeth Hurley.   Fact: There is only one, and she already did it.

What this dress does is make the overtly sexual okay on the red carpet.  It’s gorgeous because it’s Elizabeth Hurley in the 90s and it was different.  Nowadays, we trip over Malin Akermans and Anja Rubicks and Rihanna’s wearing dresses that barely qualify as such.

You could even credit Angelina Jolie’s now memetic leggy Oscar dress from this year to this dress.  It’s everywhere, and frankly, this is not a look that should be paraded around.  It’s meant to be provocative.

Here’s the thing, though.  Everyone can’t be provocative.  By its very nature, being provocative is the hallmark of the avant-garde and the out-there, instead of every young star (or random “famous” girl who has a sizeable rack).

But here’s the thing: If everyone does it, it’s just very…..mediocre.  It’s easy to show a lot of skin when you’re young and hot.  Do something different.  I mean, I’d rather be irritable at Karolina Kurkova looking like the modern day version of Maria from Metropolis than Anja Rubick, looking like her dress got attacked by a tiger or something, causing me to shout at my laptop, wondering where the rest of her dress has got to.  I honestly think of someone like Diane Kruger as more provocative and avant-garde than any of the model/actresses (and not the other way around) that turn up to movie premieres wearing some artfully shredded drapes, since she actually pushes the envelope.  Sometimes she looks crazy.  But it’s interesting and fashion forward probably 90% of the time, instead of just putting her tits and legs on display.

Now that I’ve ranted for 400 words, I’m sure you’d like to see what actually caused this ire, instead of wondering why I decided to talk about a nearly 20 year old dress.

In the modern version of the Safety Pin Dress, which is iconic enough to deserve all-caps, I mostly just ponder the above question.  Where did the rest of _____’s dress go?   It’s shortly followed by, “PUT IT AWAY!!!!!”

The way I see it, Liz Hurley and Versace have the iconic version of the falling-off LBD.  With Malin (is that a name??) up there,  I mostly hope she’s got enough sticky tape to keep us from seeing her underwear.

Similarly guilty is Anja Rubik at everything.

If I keep looking at that picture of Anja Rubik, this post will quadruple in size with me shouting about body image and a skeletal figure being a poor goal for young girls to have, and no one wants me to get on that train.  We’d be here all night.  But look at how much more….womanly Elizabeth Hurley looks.  Yes, she’s thin, but she has actual curves, instead of this wack twelve year old boy aesthetic that’s invaded the fashion industry of late.

She’s also stepping on her dress, so that’s funny.

But I’m off-topic.  Although given that the topic is “leave being Liz Hurley to Liz Hurley circa 1994″…….