Could This Color Wash Zooey Deschanel Out More?

The answer is no, by the way.

But we’ll get to that.

This is Oscars Day Three, and I apologize in advance because my brain feels like mush. I very nearly had E write this post for me, but I decided to man up and write it anyway.

Anyway, it’s not really a secret that I’ve been pretty underwhelmed by recent Valentino, mostly because the master is no longer running the show and someone else thinks that the house that was once responsible for some of the most glorious couture to come out of Milan needs to make dresses that are somehow either frumpy, uncomfortably nude, or oddly both at once.

This would only be frumpy, but since the dress is the exact same color as her skin, it wins an “oddly both at once.”

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Going To An Oscars After Party? Better Dress Like An Idiot.

The good news is that the Oscars don’t stop when the curtain falls. Oh no. There are after parties, and I had no intention of staying up late enough on Sunday night to blog about them for Monday. That means that we get two Oscar posts: one for the important, badly dressed people who were there, and one for everyone who went to the after-parties.

The bad–or good, if you’re me–news is that while the Oscars themselves had some excellent dresses, the after-parties had some seriously questionable decision making.

Brace for impact, this post is going to be LONG.

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We (Nearly) Saw Brandi Glanville’s Boobs

I was oddly amused by Seth MacFarlane’s “We Saw Your Boobs” song. It was weird, but what isn’t about the Oscars?

Before I dive into the surprisingly short list of badly dressed people, let’s take a brief moment to discuss the good and beautiful.

First things first: I love Jennifer Lawrence, and I am so glad that she was in that big, frothy amazing Dior piece. THAT is what couture should look like, and it’s why I’m a fashion nerd. Seriously, what a great fashion moment, and how adorable was her breathless speech? I mostly want to watch her ramble at all the talk show hosts now.

The other side of truly excellent fashion nerdery was also by Dior.  Charlize Theron was FLAWLESS in that white Dior Couture piece.  It was perfectly structured and chic, and I loved it.

Who else did I enjoy?

-Jessica Chastain in Armani Prive. It wasn’t a HOLY SHIT moment like last year, but well done in general.

-Amy Adams in Oscar de la Renta. I love anything big, frothy and ridiculous that isn’t nude with a fishtail, so…I’m there.

-Catherine Zeta Jones in Zuhair Murad proved that Zuhair Murad, particularly when lined, is a beautiful thing for everyone.

-I also really liked Octavia Spencer’s outfit and Quvenzhane Wallis’s bitty Armani. Excllent all around.

The good news on the fashion front is that I was generally pretty pleased. It took me awhile to get to the usual, “”Oh honey…” comments that usually dog my watching of awards shows. But they were there. Today’s post is about the Oscars themselves. Tomorrow shall be the various B, C, and Z-list sorts that turned up to various after-parties looking gross (I’m looking at you, Chris Brown).

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Yes, Redheads Can Wear Pink, But No One Should Wear This Color

Okay.

I went off about this at work the other day, since someone was trying to claim that redheads can’t wear red or pink. I actually used Jessica Chastain and her glorious Alexander McQueen gown from the SAGs as an example of just how good redheads look in red, and Emma Stone at the Met Gala was my example of how to be a redhead in pink.

But no one, and I do mean no one, should wear a vaguely pink-ish beige.  That color is the purview of the frumpiest of frumpy muumuus and the mumsiest of the mother of the bride pantsuits. Or to put it another way, that mess is the color of anything Hillary Clinton wore in the 90′s, which should never be repeated.

So why would Jessica Chastain, who is incredibly beautiful, wear something this awkwardly fitted and in a color that washes her out as badly as a painting in a storm of acetone?

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Go Fire Your Stylist

Welcome to part 2 of my Bitchy Oscar Fashion Post!

Today I will discuss dresses that were just BAD.  We’re talking unflattering silhouettes, weird color choices, the lot.

There are a couple of offenders here who really went above and beyond, and for whatever reason, even made “best dressed” lists because apparently some fashion editors are blind.

That CUT. AUGH.

 

Apparently, having an inexplicably sheer long bit of the rest of the skirt is “in” right now, but let’s all face facts, it looks ridiculous.  It particularly looks ridiculous when it comes in that insanely tight right before it flows out.  The ruching is also tragic, and that swoop of fabric going up into the one, floppy shoulder?  I’m just confused by the whole thing.

Now, she’s been put on a few best lists, which I think is 100% because apparently the silk for her dress is from something really intense, like “cruelty-free silkworms.”  If that’s true, brilliant, but maybe don’t be cruel to the product by making it into that seafoam monstrosity.

 

The dress looks like a garbage bag in every way.

I should mention that I hate taffeta.  But this color grey?  That level of wrinkling?  See the caption.  The cut is also appalling, and if I weren’t horrified by the color, I’d just be bored.

 

The color is SO LOUD.

The cut isn’t great, and the wide shoulder just looks weird cutting across her boob.  Also, the hairdo looks CRAZY.  Go back to the 80s, and this would be fantastic.  Now?  Just wack.

 

There were a few others I didn’t necessarily care for, but overall, I thought the red carpet was fairly strong.  Already looking forward to next year on that front.

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